Treestump
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Baron Treestump Wildwalker
| Name(s) | Treestump Wildwalker |
| Title/occupation | |
| Portrayed by | Brian Blessed |
| Age | |
| Nationality | |
| Gender | Male |
| Home/place of origin | |
| Status | Living |
| Organizational affiliations | |
| Personal relationships | |
Character Overview
A story told to The Uru-Meshenti family at the Aldentide feast at Old Castle Island.
He laughs. “Ah, you want one of the famous ones!” He sits back and strokes his beard. "Well, let me see now. I do recall a few years ago when I was on Tekampan, that emerald of an island, and training for an important tournament there. It isn't one of the Masters, but the Tekampati Open is a top ten tournament, you understand. There is a great deal of wild country in Tekampan. I don't know if any of you have spent much time there, but it's quite lovely and quite remote, in places. A body could wander out of the city and into the trees, and never come back. So, on my expeditions into the forest -- a training regimen, you see, to strengthen my central muscles -- I would make sure to have a guide along."
"So, what should happen a few years ago, but I hired a guide who was a most unsavory fellow. For a week or more he reliably took me out and back, but then one day, as we pushed farther than ever into the jungle, he abruptly vanished. At first I was concerned for his welfare, as any true gentleman would be. I began calling out in a most earnest manner, seeking to locate him. Surely, he must have fallen and dashed his head against a root or something. Surely, he must be unconscious somewhere, or seized by wild beasts. After ten minutes of dashing around -- and me growing increasingly anxious, I have to say -- I realized I was hopelessly lost, myself. I don't know if any of you have been in woods like that, but they are spooky. They are tricky. You think you recognize a tree, but then, there are ten thousand that look just like it. You can be less than a mile from a city and gone forever, for all intents and purposes. Concern truly began to set in. Now I was worried for my own life! I thought we might still be close enough to Tekampati that if I waited for night and scaled a tall tree, I might see the lights of the city. Aside from that, I was where there were no trails and no villages. That felt like my only hope."
"But then, I heard a call. The young fellow who had been my guide -- the blackguard! -- began taunting me from somewhere nearby. You see, he had led me out there for whatever nefarious purposes he may have had in mind. I began a search anew. I could hear the direction from which he was calling, and I began dashing after him. He kept retreating away, calling after me. 'Oh, baron! You will never find your way out unless you do what I say! You are in my power!' I shouted insults at him, but they only made him laugh. He was a clever one, I will give him that! At last, after a chase that felt like an hour or more, I burst out into a clearing. Here was my miserable guide, accompanied by what must have been a hundred men with crude weapons. They were natives of the jungle, you see, and had brought me in as a fat prize."
"The guide beckoned and the men with their spears indicated -- they took me right into their village, to a central hub where there was a firepit and a place for all. At the hub were two massive people, and I mean, built like the gods themselves. A man stood there, at least three hands taller than your father, and as stout as an oak. Rippling muscles from head to toe. Next to him was a woman, nearly as tall and as beautiful as the dawn. But she was fierce! No simpering maiden, this one. She was a warrior, too. The guide brought me forward and spoke something to his fellows, all of the assembled village was there. After he spoke, they burst into mocking laughter. 'I have told them that you are the greatest wrestler and a legendary lover in the outsiders' countries. They don't believe it.' I may not have spoken the language, but I wasn't about to let such a slight go unpunished. 'I am the greatest wrestler on the earth! And I have never left an unsatisfied woman, you can count on that.'"
"My weaselly little friend translated, and they all burst out mocking again. At last, these two gods-in-men's-clothing spoke, and he translated for them, as well. No outsider has ever been brought here that could beat Goreg in wrestling or satisfy Keera, they said. That was why they had made her their queen and him their warlord. But I was invited to try whichever one I felt I could accomplish. My reward, should I be successful, would be my life. The guide would take me back to Tekampati and home. If I was unsuccessful -- " he makes a quick gesture across his throat "-- then my skull would join their collection. There wasn't a third option. I had been deliberately lured there for the natives' sport."
"Well, I'm not a man afraid of a challenge, and so I stepped forth. 'I will wrestle your man and then I will make love to your woman, both! And more to the point, I will defeat both, and then you will give me your greatest treasure. The laughter was so mocking and so loud, I thought they must have heard it all the way back in Tekampati, but my terms were accepted. The man strode out into the hub, where our wrestling match was to begin immediately. I had been lost in the jungle for several hours and had a mighty thirst, but they refused me water. So be it, I thought to myself. Never have I wrestled a more powerful man! It was like grappling with a statue come to life. He threw me with ease and could pick me up as you might pick up a child. But I knew such a heavy man couldn't fall many times without exhausting himself, so I focused on leg holds and leverage. He may have been mighty like a mountain, but he had never wrestled with a master of leverage! I threw myself into his legs and lifted at the same time. My friends, it was like running into a planted tree! But slowly, surely, the man toppled."
"A gasp went up from the assembled, for they had never seen their hero fall! He got up slowly and with truly titanic anger. He rushed me, but I was -- for once -- the smaller and quicker man! Over the course of the next hour, I toppled that giant no fewer than three dozen times! At last, exhausted, he pled no more. He lay on the ground, utterly finished. I, too, felt like a rung-out rag, but I knew there was more work to do! The woman was shocked at seeing the giant fallen, but I didn't give her time to set her mind right. 'Come on, queenie,' I said, and I grabbed her hand. 'Let's find a boudoir.' I led her across the hub to the giant hut that must have been hers."
"We have ladies present, so I won't regale you with the specifics of our time spent doing Gousha's work, but suffice it to say, she was as defeated as the other giant. And, at last, even my own bottomless well of power was gone. I stumbled out of her hut and collapsed on the ground, dead tired, and fell asleep at once. I was surprised to wake up, frankly. I expected that night was old Treestump's last, but wake I did, and in one of the most comfortable beds I have ever shared. I was in the embrace of my fellow combatant -- Queen Keera -- she clung to me in her own bed. I woke up and stumbled out. The tournament started later that day, and if they were truly going to keep to their word, I had to leave soon. Outside, I saw Goreg -- the giant. He saluted to me, and I back to him."
"I found my guide and grabbed him by the neck. I had won, and they had to keep their word. Give me their greatest treasure and lead me out to Tekampati. He smiled at me. 'Of course! We keep our word, and I will take you out straight away. But you must stay to receive your treasure, first.' 'Well, okay,' I said, 'but bring it out quickly. The tournament starts in three hours and I need to get there.' All of a sudden there was a big fuss! I just had to stay longer! There was a great feast planned for that evening to celebrate me receiving the treasure! I told them I couldn't, that I had to go back to my world. But I promised I would return some day for the feast."
"They seemed okay with that, but said they would keep the treasure there until I came back for the feast. Well, friends, I was just so excited to be done with the whole thing that I told them it was fine, they could keep the treasure there. But, I was curious: what was the treasure, anyway? At that point, the door to Keera's hut burst open, and she walked out, dressed like a ray of spring sunshine, in flowers of every color. Well, she looked lovely, and she approached me timidly. 'Your reward is the queen's hand in marriage,' the guide said. 'You must marry her before I will take you back, then you can claim her once you return for the feast.' A couple of minutes later, there I was, with a holy man of some kind or another pronouncing me husband to the woman standing next to me."
"There was no time for celebrations or consummations, though. We hustled out of there and made it to the tournament grounds just as my first opponent was set to toe the line. I won the tournament and afterward tried to find the guide, but he had disappeared. I spent a couple of days asking after a village in the jungle, but nobody in Tekampati seemed to know anything about it. They guessed there were several such villages." He holds up his hands. "So, that's the story of how I came to wrestle a giant, marry a queen, and lose the biggest treasure in the jungles of Tekampan all in a week's time."
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